Rules for being Human
by AnAlmightyWoot
Summary: An odd story that sorts out each of the 10 rules for being human in the Invader Zim world. Finished! Now with a free copy of the rules in Chapter 11!
1. Rule 1: Your body

**Hey everybody. It's really late and my family would kill me if they knew I was up this late again. BUT! I have a reason! My muse came to visit me! We talked. We had some tea and cookies. My muse gave me a really good idea for a story. **

**Dis: I do not own Invader Zim, and the "Rules for being Human" are not mine. The author of them is unknown, and was found on a refrigerator in Toronto, Canada.**

**Laugh and enjoy my readers, hopefully this will give you a funny look on life as it did to me.**

**Rules for being Human**

**Rule 1: You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.**

_Enter Zim…_

Zim was short, tiny in fact. What he really wished for was a body like the Tallest.

Tall and powerful was the way to go on Irk.

Though Zim did consider himself lucky. He was the only one, in his knowledge, to become an invader at his age and size.

Yes, lucky Zim indeed was. But Zim is not human now is he? Oh Well. It's time for him to walk to school anyway.

_Enter Dib…_

Zim was not the only one who wished he was tall. Dib truly hoped that he would soon have a growthspirt. The faster he grew the better. People would take him serious about Zim then right?

We can only hope my readers.

Oh, one more thing, his head. As he passed his bedroom mirror to walk to school, Dib also hoped that his body would eventually grow into it. Although he hated to admit it, his head was rather large.

_Enter Gaz…_

Gaz, as I'm sure you know, does not care at all about her body. If anyone did care, and make the mistake of telling her, they would get a one way trip to Nightmare world.

Or a taste of her acid soda sprays on their face. It was fun to watch them squirm, she decided, it passed the time anyway. Where was the last soda anyway….?

As she watched her bother walk past with a soda in hand, she thought of all the different ways that she could doom him on the way to school.

_Enter Gir…_

It's time for da tea! Cause' everybody knows that tea and sugar is good for your shinny metal body!

Quick! Rub it with bacon! Then stuff it in your head for safe keeping. Pig and Moose love bacon!

Ooooo…what's that shinny place in the microwave?

It's good being a robot.

**R&R please! This story is mostly an experiment of mine, and I hoped you liked it enough to read on. Rule 2 is coming soon and involves lessons! (O.O Scaryyy lessons!) **


	2. Rule 2: Lessons

**Rule 2: You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. **

**Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant or stupid. **

_Enter Zim…_

In all Zim's life there have only been a few people who have scared him.

The first being the Tallest, but that was when he was just a smeet. After a while he found that he was not scared of them, but just highly respected them.

The second being his Fry Lord from FoodCourtia. Even then Zim had gotten over that fear when he escaped his Fry Lord for the second time.

No, his worst fear was this Ms. Bitters human.

From this fear, his lesson learned today was that you should never be late for school.

Even if you hated somebody with fire-y passion, you would feel at least a little bit of sympathy if that person was late. Yes, it was that bad.

Now all Zim wanted to do was go back to his home base and work on his Mutant Plant Growth experiments.

_Enter Dib…_

Acid soda hurt. Dib's sister made sure of that. He really hated to say that he was scared of his little sister, but he was.

At least they had worked out an odd type of peace treaty.

If she is not bothered, then he would live another day.

Lesson learned today?

Don't drink the last soda.

_Enter Gaz…_

Today Gaz learned that if she held the soda can at just the right angle, she could spray Dib with soda longer with the same power.

It was irrelevant she thought, but it was something.

Now where was that Gameslave?

_Enter Gir…_

Owie….Microwaves hurt!

Today Gir learned that if you stick your head into a mini-oven, it explodes.

"I'm gonna do it again!"

**-- Fun, yes? I thought so. R&R please!**


	3. Rule 3: No mistakes

**Rule 3: There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".**

_Enter Zim…_

Zim had a good laugh this morning. In fact the whole class had laughed when the Dib-worm had come in steaming with acid soda.

School was over now, but Zim was still having problems at home base. His Mutant plants just didn't seem to want to grow.

Zim just didn't seem to have a green thumb, as the human called it.

Oh well, he could always work on that new Mind Wipe gun.

The Almighty Zim could work on the Earth plants later!

_Enter Dib…_

Blah…today was a bad day. At school anyway.

Now that he was home he could check on his new X-ray Satellite Spying Camera.

Dib had made it himself! He had been deprived of a lot spying from the Swollen Eye Ball after the whole 'Waffle' incident.

_shudder_

Not today though! He was ready. The Hubble had been hacked into, NASA had no idea, and the camera was now locked on Zim's base.

Wait? Where was the X-ray lens?

_Enter Gaz…_

There was no way she could have lost her Gameslave!

How could she have lost it! This just wasn't like her!

Wait! That was it! She must have dropped it when she was dooming Dib!

As she ran outside to look for her precious, she heard the sorrowful sound of it beeping.

Her gameslave in the hands of another player? This will not do…

The other player turned out to be a big-headed green dog.

This would not do at all…

_Enter Gir…_

Mini-oven is boorriinngg….Time For A Walk!

Awww…my cheese is all burny in ma head!

No more mini-ovens for me! No sir! No! No way! No How!...yum…cheese.

What dat shinny thing on da ground? Why it beepin'?

Level 10?...FUN! _beep beep beep!_

**0o….waves….o0….Shrimp Flavored Chips from Japan is good…**


	4. Rule 4: Repeat

**Andalitebandit-6: **I realized that thing about Zim's fears when I had begun to write, and that's why I made him get over them. The whole 'Tallest' fear was when he was just a baby (smeet). Have you ever had a fear of a teacher or principal? If you have, then it's kind of like that. Oh, and that thing about Dib and soda I also realized. The kid's smart you know, I couldn't think of much lessons for him.

**Rule 4: A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned, you can go on to the next lesson.**

_Enter Zim…_

A mess! All a mess!

He leaves that robot alone for 5 minutes and_ this_ happens!

After some more ranting to himself, Zim ordered the computer to clean the exploded microwave, the scattered pig and moose dolls, and the…was that bacon?

He then began to question his rank. The Almighty Invader Zim should not have to rant to himself and watch over that S.I.R. like a human mother-unit!

_-sigh-_

Speaking of which, where was that robot?

_Enter Dib…_

He could not believe he forgot to install the X-ray lens!

Oh well, it's not a complete loss. He still had an air-view all around Zim's base.

But still, with that X-ray lens he could have seen_ inside_ the base!

_-sigh-_

Hey, is that Zim walking out?

As Dib zoomed in on Zim's front lawn he began to wonder if his luck was changing.

_Enter Gaz…_

Grrrrr…I will destroy Zim's little green dog.

Must refuel with hotdogs and soda before dooming.

_Enter Gir…_

Level 345! _Beep Beep Beep!_

Aw…man with stick died….He Lives Again!

_Jump, Eat, Beep, Beat up, Explode! Eat, Beep._

Level 346!


	5. Rule 5: No end

**Rule 5: Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned. **

_Enter Zim…_

Zim had no idea where that little robot had gone too.

Usually he would just fallow the mess, but all the mess was now in the base.

_-Snap!-_

What was that! It's right behind him! It's sitting on the fence now!

Well whatever it is, it will now taste the wrath of ZIM!

In enemy territory, an invader can never be too careful. Zim made sure of this by bringing out all of the weapons from his Pak.

20 cannon guns, 30 laser blasters, and pair of long mechanical legs can be quite overwhelming to see coming out of what looked to be an over egoed child.

The Almighty Tallest would surely praise him!

The squirrel sitting on the fence dropped its acorn in wonder.

_Enter Dib…_

Wow!

All that Irkan technology in just a few seconds!

Wow!

Wait…_he_ had _proof_ now!

The camera had been recording!

The World will surely praise him!

Time to hide the proof for later, it is now time for a victory sandwich!

_Enter Gaz…_

Dib's voice is stupid.

She must remember to leave the table when he has had a victory.

His voice fills her with a terrible rage!

It makes it hard to eat hotdogs and drink soda.

Hmm…soda.

_-Spray!-_

"It Burns!"

That's better.

_Enter Gir…_

I'mmm hoommeee!

Gamey in his head….sing a song…Bein' green!...sing a song!

_-Snap!-_

He gave the stick a booboo! No!

_-Gasp!-  
_

Squirrel on fence! Squirrel on fence!

_-Meow Meow!-_


	6. Rule 6: Here and There

**Rule 6: "There" is no better than "here". When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again, look better than "here".**

_Enter Zim…_

Zim only forgave Gir for leaving the base because he saved him from that rodent-monster.

That still did not help his temper when he found out the Earth Hubble Telescope had a camera locked on his base.

He just wanted to scream when he asked to reflect the signal.

Of course it was Dib!

He was not stupid in cases like this. No not ZIM!

He knew Dib had saw, and probably recorded it too.

By the tallest he hated humans. No not just _humans_ he just hated _Earth_ period!

He didn't really feel homesick though.

Putting on his disguise and leashing Gir, Zim decided that if he had to pick one thing he liked about this pile of dirt, it would be that it was simpler here.

He guessed it was _a little_ better "here" than "there", but only by a little bit.

_Enter Dib…_

Ow…Oww…Owwwww!

Boy, did it hurt to smile, but Dib sure didn't care.

Hey come on, you'd smile too if you found proof that you greatest enemy was a danger to the whole world!

But right now he was just having trouble climbing the stairs to his room.

Ow…Gaz's Nightmare world hurt. It hurt badly.

Though he didn't like to think about it too much, Gaz's Nightmare world reminded him of last Halloween.

He_ still_ had nightmares about it!

_Her_ nightmare world was a lot better than _his_, he might say.

….is someone at the door?

_Enter Gaz…_

Gaz could care less where she was.

As long as her junk-food, gameslave, paper and pencil were there, she had no problem.

Hmm…But there_ was_ a TV here.

She _guessed_ she could deal with this place.

Gaz was now done with her hotdogs and soda, and ready for some dooming.

_-Ding Dong!-_

They will not know the meaning of peace when she was done making them see the evil in their ding dong dinging hearts!

_Enter Gir…_

Yummmm….that squirrel were good!

Oooo…Master is mad…TV!

We goin' for a walk! We goin' for a walk!

Hey look a fence!

_-Climb!- -Fall!- -Bonk!-_

Awww…it were greener over "there".

_-Tug-_

What?

_-Tug!-_

Hmm?...Coming Master!


	7. Rule 7: Mirrors

**DLBN:** I tried to clear the whole Gameslave level thing up in that chapter but it will be later on in the story. (I don't want to spoil it.)

**Rule 7: Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.**

_Enter Zim…_

All Zim's life he had wanted to become an Invader.

If he was criticized during his training, because of his size or age, his overly-large ego would make up for it.

At this moment Zim's ego demanded the Dib-worm give back his recorded proof of Zim being an alien.

How old was the Dib-human?

12? 11?

Either way he was only a child, a _smeet_ by Irken standards.

That was probably Zim's first mistake when he came to Earth.

He thought Dib-monkey as a child, a nuisance, not an enemy.

_-Ding Dong!-_

………

_-Ding Dong!-_

Can't a wretched, smeety, human open a door!

_Enter Dib…_

All Dib's life he had wanted to become a paranormal investigator.

Dib was always being picked on, his big head and glasses made him prone to skool bullies…a lot.

But however silly he may have looked, his big brain inside his big head made up for it.

Right now Dib was busy downloading his Zim footage onto an e-mail.

His computer was going slower than expected, but when it was done the video would be sent to the Swollen Eye Ball.

Hopefully this would be the end!

And then!-

_-Ding Dong!-_

…And then-

_-Ding Dong!-_

Why wasn't Gaz answering the door!

_Enter Gaz… _

At the moment Gaz was not answering the door because she was too busy holding a bat over her head incase that dog decided to burst through the door.

When she had looked outside the window to see who it was, all she saw was that horrible, gameslave stealing, green dog!

But did he have her gameslave with him?

He probably ate it!

She would have revenge!

_Enter Gir…_

He's a standin'. He's a standin'.

Dingy dongy dingy dongy!

Aww…he luv master, he luv da humans, he luv da food, he luv da Earth!

_-Clank!-_

Hay! What was dat!

_-Pop goes his head!-_

Oh yeaahhh…he ate Master's stuff!

"GIR! What are you doing with my Mind Wipe Gun?"

Nothinnnnggg…

**He he…Modest Mouse music is fun…: P**


	8. Rule 8: Choice

**Rule 8: What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.**

_Enter Zim…_

Zim has had enough of the waiting!

He burst through the door with a triumphic look on his face.

With a bat barely missing his head, he flew up the stairs!

Standing in front of the Dib-monkey's door, he decided this called for a dramatic entrance.

Which consisted of him kicking the door open with his Almighty Irken boot!

_-Slam!- _

_Enter Dib…_

Finally! The download was done! Ok, now to type…

To: The Swollen Eyeball Network.

From: Agent Mothman

Title of message:……

Hmm…What should he put?

Title of message: My fellow agents, this is the _real_ thing! _(They were already here)_

There, now to press sen-

_-Slam!-_

Zim!

_Enter Gaz…_

The dog was just starring at her.

_-Stttaaarrreee…-_

It broke its gaze and looked at the bat that she had dropped by the door.

Then the strange green dog picked it up and began riding it like a horse.

There was something wrong with that dog.

"Let's play Cow-ans and Indi-boys!"

Then it ran up the stairs…well, more like bounced up the stairs.

Yes, there was something_ defiantly_ wrong with that dog, thought Gaz as she climbed the stairs.

_Enter Gir… _

Door go _boom_!

Yay! It's Gazy!

Staring contest!

_-Staaarrrreee…-_

Oooo! Look a bat!

Ride'um cowboy!

Weeeeee!

Up a stairs he goes!


	9. Rule 9: Answers

**Rule 9: Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.**

_Enter Zim…_

Just look at him!

Just sitting there so oblivious to his coming doom.

The Dib-monster's hand was inches away from his keyboard, still in mid-air.

"I have come for what is rightfully mine worm-baby!" Zim said with a stupendous dramatic air, "Now hand it over!"

But the worm-baby just smirked, moving his hand all the more closer to the buttons.

And for once, Zim was quite puzzled.

That was until…

_-Bonk!- _

"Master!"

"Ah! My head!"

_Enter Dib…_

Dib had to admit he was a little surprised to see Zim burst through his door.

Then he remembered that he held Zim's certain doom with one press of a button.

He even aloud himself a smirk.

Which was replaced by a puzzled frown when Zim's robot and a bat came barreling through the door, and crashed into Zim's head.

What happened next came all so quickly.

_Enter Gaz…_

Gaz was a little happier now.

That crazy dog had dropped her Gameslave on the way up the stairs.

Hmmm…it had been paused the whole time.

Odder still, it looked as though someone had been trying to eat it.

Oh well.

As she un-paused her game and resumed her zone, she began to climb the stairs to her room.

Only to pause her game for a split second as she heard stupid voices coming from Dib's doorway.

It turned out to be the wrong split second.

_Enter Gir…_

WEEEEEHHHOOOOO!

Up da stairs! Up da stairs!

Hay look there's master!

"Master!"

_-Bonk!-_

Hey! Where's his food?

"Where's ma food?"

"What food!"

Awww..master's mad again.

There it is! Master's holding it!

_-Grab!-_

"Gir that's not food!"

"Whad yoouu say?"

"It's not food!That's my Mind Wipe gun!"

Oh.

"Yummy!"

_-Chomp! Chomp! Chomp!-_

"Gir no!"

_**-Zaaaapppp!-**_

**_-Flashhh!-_**

………


	10. Rule 10: Forget

**Rule 10: You will forget all of this.**

_Enter Zim…_

Where am I?

_Enter Dib…_

What happened?

_Enter Gaz…_

Hm?...Oh look, Gameslave.

_Enter Gir…_

Why'd everything just taste purple?

**Thanks for reading everyone! **


	11. Free copy!

Hey guys! Thanks for all the reviews! I can't believe I finished the story.

This 'complete-ion' as you call it is all so new to me.

So this morning, I was just sitting around thinking, "Hey, I'm sure some of those nice peoples would like a copy of the rules to hang on their fridge!"

So, here you go…Just copy and paste friends.

**RULES FOR BEING HUMAN**

**1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.**

**2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.**

**3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".**

**4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.**

**5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.**

**6. "There" is no better place than "here". When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again, look better than "here".**

**7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.**

**8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.**

**9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.**

**10. You will forget all this. **

**Author unknown**

**Found on a refrigerator in Toronto, CA**


End file.
